and, i'm done.

i haven't posted on this blog in quite some time, mostly because i'm just kind of tired of writing the dead baby blog.

i've moved on, and you should too!

i'm here now. join me!

grief. i got it.

i'm sad. did you know that?

lately, i feel like i can't keep going about life as usual like i have been. i feel like i've been ignoring the fact that this huge part of my life happened a few months ago. that's got to be wrong.

last night, Reid and i went through our Raef picture box. i've been wanting to put the photos in albums, but every time i start looking at the pictures, i just start crying uncontrollably and lose my focus. i look at those photos and can't believe that i lived that part of my life. if i live to be ninety, that'll have been about 1/1000 of my life but right now, it feels like much more than that. it's like my carefree college days and all of the fun, exciting years i've had until this winter are gone. they don't matter very much in the scheme of things, and i can't imagine getting back to that. i know, it's never supposed to be like that again. i'm a grown up. until recently, i've clung onto that carefree, post-college lifestyle and i don't feel like i can do that anymore. time to grow up.

but i digress. lately i just have this super heaviness creeping into my heart. it's making it difficult to get out of bed every morning, and to go to sleep every night. it's a vicious cycle that i can't stop. i just don't know how i'm supposed to keep going about my life like everything is alright. i'm a mom without my child. that leaves me where? exactly.

i got to spend time with my family this weekend, and it's crazy but it hurt that i'm just hanging out with the family, fireworks going off three feet from me, and i'm not having to worry about an infant's safety, or precious little ears. no. it's just me. and Reid. us.

i have a confession.

reid, brace yourself.

i'm in love with another man. but don't worry, you guys already know each other and get along fairly well.

you see, i'm in love with...Jesus.

there. i've said it. it's off my chest.

i wanted to title this post "postpartum body, postmortem boy," but i thought it'd be too harsh. though it's exactly what's been on my mind the last couple of weeks. 

i've been feeling very sorry for myself lately. i've felt ready to give up many times in the last couple of months. i don't want it to be that way. i don't want to surrender to all of the grief that's circling around inside my brain and in my heart but sometimes it's all i can do. it's hard, if not impossible to fake happiness right now.

i am starting (slowly) to take back control of my life. i can no longer live under a mountain of tasks sitting in my inbox, and in my brain. i've had this nagging feeling for a few months now that there's something i should be doing but haven't had the motivation to get off my ass and do anything about it.

i'm missing Raef so much, and it seems like so many people i know are having babies that it's actually hard for me to think about. how horrible is that? when i see a healthy baby, i wonder how on earth that child came to be. it's not my norm, and i have a nagging fear that it never will be.

it's easy for others to say that we can try again, and that it's not likely that our next child will have any problems but i can't even imagine that even though i think i subconsciously want to try again.

trying again brings up a whole slew of new problems and stresses for me. how are we going to be able to afford maternity coverage? we'll have two incomes and won't qualify for public aid anymore. what am i going to do about work/how could i do that to my work again? we're not even close to trying again, and i'm already worried about what might be a problem when/if we decide to do so.

on a positive note, our threatening neighbor and his dysfunctional family moved out of the house across the street. no more wondering if i'll be woken at 12:30am to loud music/bass and not be able to get back to sleep. i won't have to see him neglect his children anymore (even though this part totally breaks my heart and i hope that his kids are alright). 

it's funny, our annoying neighbor's neighbor had a for sale by owner sign in his yard the last couple of months, and today it was gone! very intriguing. Reid and i were talking about how it makes us want to go meet our neighbors more than ever. of course, gossiping about someone who is gone isn't constructive but it'd be really interesting to know if that was the only reason they wanted to sell their home. i have to admit to thinking about resale value myself in the last few months.

enough. time to sleep (peacefully, at last).

life leaves little time for witty updates on my life. besides, my life isn't very interesting as of late, and things seem to be getting busier by the minute.

in my spare time, i try to find moments with Reid, time to clean the house, and maybe even cook now and again. 

we're busier than we've ever been at work which is a good sign, but it just feels totally unmanageable. i want to be able to manage everything i have to do, but certain aspects of my job are suffering because of how busy we are. it's not worth getting more help because in a month, we could be slow again. hopefully that doesn't happen, but i have to figure out a way to manage my time better. i have to figure out how to take a project from concept to completion instead of starting 5 projects at the same time and not really getting any of them done.

do i have ADD? am i just too busy? i have no idea, but it scares me.

i want to feel like i have control over something in my life again. instead, i feel like i'm going through life blindfolded. it's been three months since Raef passed away, and the time leading up to his birth through the day that we celebrated his life is a total blur. i want more time to be able to remember my baby. it's hard for me to believe that i was totally prepared to spend months in that NICU for Raef; i just didn't get a chance to do that.

i'm leaving on Thursday to spend the weekend with my mom and sister, and am terrified of leaving because of all of the things that need to be done.

i'm also afraid to leave because i haven't been away from Reid for more than a day since Raef passed away, and i don't know what i'll do without him.

on a positive note, i installed our new mailbox today...something i've been wanting to do since we moved in. i can't believe it really took three months to accomplish that but it's done and i'm happy about it.

i'm her mom! no, she's not!

i miss being able to post new pictures of Raef every day. 

i've been really slow about putting Raef's pictures in an album. it's like while all i want to do is stare at my son, the hardest thing to do is stare at my son. i become a teary-eyed heap on the floor whenever i start going through the 500-ish photos we have of Raef.

every time i see his pictures i revel in how beautiful he was. i still can't believe sometimes that he was my baby. he was meant for us, and was the greatest gift that we ever could have received. 

i love my baby so much. as mother's day looms near, i'm not so upset that it's going to be mother's day, but i'm sad that he was due this weekend. he's not even supposed to be here yet! it's like my life was drastically fast-forwarded and my worst nightmare came true. sometimes i wonder if it could ever be worse. 

i look at the family in our church who recently lost their 19 year old daughter and sister. my heart is utterly broken for them, and i hope that i can safely say that i kinda know what they're going through; how people say that it'll get better when it doesn't seem to feel any better; how everywhere you turn, you see something that reminds you of your loved-one, and your heart breaks all over again; and over again; and over again.

on a lighter note, i watched this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU and it made me laugh. and i love it. (thanks, Dave)

where do i begin? 

Reid found out that he'll be teaching fifth grade next year! i'm so glad that he finally knows what he'll be doing. i mean, finding out that he had a job at all was pretty amazing, but knowing what he'll be teaching is great. mostly for him.

oh, we were enjoying a glass of wine on our porch tonight when our neighbor (whom we've not been fond of since we moved in) pulled up in his minivan. Reid waved to him. big mistake.

neighbor came over and apologized for a couple of weeks ago when he was a total ass to Reid when Reid only wanted him to turn his music down. bear in mind that neighbor was sitting in an SUV in front of our house with crazy loud music blasting at 9pm. Reid asked them to turn it down, and that's when we found out that this is HIS neighborhood, and that he knows the man who built our house. our house was built in 1920. this man is 40. do the math.

anywho, neighbor came over to our porch with a case of Busch Light and subtlely verbally threatened us by telling us that he parties pretty hard, and noone's going to stop him. he did exclaim that he enjoys partying with his young children which was slightly disconcerting. he was also drunk tonight. his excuse for being so rude to Reid a couple of weeks ago was that he'd just found out that a family member had passed away, and he was in no mood to be messed with. even if it were to merely ask him to turn his music down.

the conversation continued, and at one point he said something about us not having to worry about something because we didn't have kids. i wanted to launch my fist at his face when he said that, but he's belligerent. he's drunk. he's oblivious to everyone around him.

enough about the neighbor.

the cat is sitting on a pile of clean laundry that's neatly stacked on the floor and she kind of blends into it. scary.

everyday life is so hard to get through that laundry sits clean in piles for days, sometimes weeks  before it's handled properly. i know that laundry isn't the end of the world, but i wish i were more motivated to keep my house nice.

i plan to move our bedroom into the room that was going to be Raef's. it just won't happen until Reid is done with school and has energy to devote to rearranging our home. i look forward to that day, because our room will be ten more feet away from annoying neighbor and his incredibly loud, belligerent bass.

must sleep now.