1.2.2011

now that we've had some time to decompress and reflect on our time in Philadelphia, i think i can say that i'm truly looking forward to the rest of my pregnancy. the doctors in Philly were really good at leading us down the road of terminating our pregnancy, but i know now that God wants us to see and know and hold our son, even if it is painful in the end. 

Winn is continuing to show me that he is alive, and i consider each kick and punch to be a gift. i'm choosing to live in the moment with my son and my husband. i'm not ready to resign Winn to meeting his brother Raef in heaven just yet.

this last Thursday, we met with our doctor in Peoria for the first time since our return to Illinois. Reid was visibly anxious while we were driving to the appointment and while we were waiting to speak with the doctor. i hate seeing the anxiety that this situation creates for Reid, i want this to be peaceful. after an ultrasound, we finally got to see Dr. Leonardi. he sat us down in a meeting room to discuss our options. we were both very relieved to hear him say that he wasn't ready to give up on Winn. his stance was that if this kid has a 5% chance (that's one in twenty!) of living, then we'd give him every advantage, beginning now. 

the plan is to keep me pregnant until i am at 36 weeks and then deliver Winn. only when he's born will we be able to know what his chances of survival are, but for now, we just need to hope for the best. don't get me wrong, i'm not walking around thinking i'm going to have my baby and take him home a week later. if Winn makes it to delivery, it'll be a hard road that lies before the three of us. he'll be very sick; his lungs will be underdeveloped, his kidneys will not function at 100%, and he could have a few other problems that accompany the large bladder that he's sporting in utero. he may not make it home at all, and i acknowledge that that's a possibility.

my intention for the rest of my pregnancy is to live each day in my moment; to relish each movement i feel inside my belly; to enjoy each day with my husband; to recognize the beauty that is life; to thank God for each second of each day. this is not to say that i won't have bad days. i'm sure that there will be moments where i (or Reid) feel helpless, weak, and sad. i believe that that's what makes us human and that's beautiful. 

and so my hope is to stay pregnant as long as possible so that i can give this kid a fighting chance. my hope is that he someday gets to meet all of the people that have been praying for him, and that already have great love for him.

thank you for all of your thoughts an prayers. we treasure them! and a special thank you goes out to Andy and Becky White Newgren who took us into their home for almost a month so that we could see our doctors in Philly. i'll never forget our time with Andy, Becky and Anneke and feel so grateful to have shared life so closely with them for a while.