Reid has been making this joke ever since i was admitted to St. Francis for pre-term labor that our life was like Groundhog Day. too many things happened this time around with Winn that were eerily similar to our experience with Raef. never mind the fact that Winn had Prune Belly just like his big brother, something we thought could never happen to one of our children again.
to start, i was admitted to the hospital on the Friday of my 26th week of pregnancy. i kept making it a point to tell Reid that he didn't have to worry about going to DC because i wasn't going into labor in my 26th week. i was wrong. the same nurses were even taking care of me the day i was admitted that took care of me when i was admitted with Raef. it was almost comforting, even though i wasn't feeling my best because of the drugs that they were giving me.
this time, it was Reid that got to hold our baby while he took his last breaths and passed away. i can still see us in the operating room while it was all happening.
the day i got home from the hospital, i began to have trouble breathing. around 9:30 pm, i decided that it was worth a trip to the emergency room so Reid helped me drag my swollen legs to the ER to find out that i had pneumonia. how does one get discharged from the hospital after surgery with pneumonia? i was given a super dose of antibiotics and sent on my way. looking back, at that time i felt like i would never feel better. emotionally or physically. our friends came over to keep us company and i could barely breathe or keep my eyes open, let alone enjoy any one's company.
by Saturday, i felt well enough to be able to appreciate and fully experience Winn's memorial service. Dean and Andrea did a phenomenal job honoring Winn with the service they put together and the band played so beautifully. it was perfect.
now that our parents have all gone home, and things have quieted down, i feel like it's time to consider returning to my previous life. i'm trying to figure out how/when to go back to work and what that means for me. Reid has already gone back part time and it kills me every time he leaves. it's amazing how attached you can get to someone when you face personal tragedy together. i do expect to find our new normal at some point, but it's scary to think of what that might be, and i'm pretty sure i'm not only grieving the loss of my child, but the loss of everything that goes with that, the loss of what could have been.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
2.13.11
it's incredible to think of what has transpired over the last months, weeks, and days.
on Friday, our doctors agreed to drain Winn's bladder one more time. i was relieved, especially after seeing how much fluid came off of his bladder the last time they did the procedure. luckily, my mom was able to come down early in the afternoon on Friday and spend the day with me while Reid had to be at work. i didn't think it'd be a big deal for him to be at work during the procedure given how smoothly it's gone in the past.
right before they brought me up to the ultrasound room, i began to have pain that was indescribable. they'd given me Demerol to try to curb it, and i'd been taking Norco during the day to try to get a handle on it as well. when they started the procedure, the pain intensified and i almost had to ask them to stop everything. they managed to get 1000 ccs of fluid off of Winn's bladder and then they stopped because i was having contractions during the procedure. it was awfully painful, and i consider myself to be someone that can keep going through a considerable amount of pain without bringing things to a halt.
i was quickly transferred to Labor and Delivery, and my magnesium sulfate was turned back up which made me feel sick again. my contractions did not space out, and they were becoming stronger as i was having to try to breathe through them. luckily, my doctor (Dr. Leonardi) came in on his night off to help me out. he held my hand through the contractions, and was part of the team that ultimately made the decision to perform a cesarean section that night.
a neonatologist was standing by and immediately took Winn and Reid to the stabilization room. the extent of Winn's injuries and deformities due to his condition prevented the neonatologist from being able to intubate Winn.
Winn was handed over to Reid who was now at my side in the operating room. we watched him take a few breaths on his own, and we watched him pass from this world into heaven.
it was actually one of the more peaceful moments of my life. it's what i asked for if things were to turn out that way. we were able to spend a few minutes with our little miracle before he left us for good. i believe that God granted us that comfort for a reason.
we were able to spend more time with Winn before they needed to take him. by this time, not only was my mom with us and able to hold her grandson, but Reid's sister, Kara and her husband Jeremy were also with us at the hospital.
of course, i wish that everyone special in my life who loved Winn were able to be there and to hold him, but i also truly believe that this was meant to transpire exactly as it did. it was peaceful and dignified. our doctors were there to offer their condolences and help support us during such a difficult time.
i am still in shock that this is what my life has become. i've already said hello and goodbye to two of my baby boys. i still don't have a child at home. i'm not sure where that puts me in the motherhood spectrum, but i can say that Reid and i did everything that we could possibly do for Winn to try to give him the best possible outcome. that is something that i can feel comfort in. that alone will help me sleep at night for a while.
on Friday, our doctors agreed to drain Winn's bladder one more time. i was relieved, especially after seeing how much fluid came off of his bladder the last time they did the procedure. luckily, my mom was able to come down early in the afternoon on Friday and spend the day with me while Reid had to be at work. i didn't think it'd be a big deal for him to be at work during the procedure given how smoothly it's gone in the past.
right before they brought me up to the ultrasound room, i began to have pain that was indescribable. they'd given me Demerol to try to curb it, and i'd been taking Norco during the day to try to get a handle on it as well. when they started the procedure, the pain intensified and i almost had to ask them to stop everything. they managed to get 1000 ccs of fluid off of Winn's bladder and then they stopped because i was having contractions during the procedure. it was awfully painful, and i consider myself to be someone that can keep going through a considerable amount of pain without bringing things to a halt.
i was quickly transferred to Labor and Delivery, and my magnesium sulfate was turned back up which made me feel sick again. my contractions did not space out, and they were becoming stronger as i was having to try to breathe through them. luckily, my doctor (Dr. Leonardi) came in on his night off to help me out. he held my hand through the contractions, and was part of the team that ultimately made the decision to perform a cesarean section that night.
a neonatologist was standing by and immediately took Winn and Reid to the stabilization room. the extent of Winn's injuries and deformities due to his condition prevented the neonatologist from being able to intubate Winn.
Winn was handed over to Reid who was now at my side in the operating room. we watched him take a few breaths on his own, and we watched him pass from this world into heaven.
it was actually one of the more peaceful moments of my life. it's what i asked for if things were to turn out that way. we were able to spend a few minutes with our little miracle before he left us for good. i believe that God granted us that comfort for a reason.
we were able to spend more time with Winn before they needed to take him. by this time, not only was my mom with us and able to hold her grandson, but Reid's sister, Kara and her husband Jeremy were also with us at the hospital.
of course, i wish that everyone special in my life who loved Winn were able to be there and to hold him, but i also truly believe that this was meant to transpire exactly as it did. it was peaceful and dignified. our doctors were there to offer their condolences and help support us during such a difficult time.
i am still in shock that this is what my life has become. i've already said hello and goodbye to two of my baby boys. i still don't have a child at home. i'm not sure where that puts me in the motherhood spectrum, but i can say that Reid and i did everything that we could possibly do for Winn to try to give him the best possible outcome. that is something that i can feel comfort in. that alone will help me sleep at night for a while.
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