2.13.11

it's incredible to think of what has transpired over the last months, weeks, and days.

on Friday, our doctors agreed to drain Winn's bladder one more time. i was relieved, especially after seeing how much fluid came off of his bladder the last time they did the procedure. luckily, my mom was able to come down early in the afternoon on Friday and spend the day with me while Reid had to be at work. i didn't think it'd be a big deal for him to be at work during the procedure given how smoothly it's gone in the past.

right before they brought me up to the ultrasound room, i began to have pain that was indescribable. they'd given me Demerol to try to curb it, and i'd been taking Norco during the day to try to get a handle on it as well. when they started the procedure, the pain intensified and i almost had to ask them to stop everything. they managed to get 1000 ccs of fluid off of Winn's bladder and then they stopped because i was having contractions during the procedure. it was awfully painful, and i consider myself to be someone that can keep going through a considerable amount of pain without bringing things to a halt.

i was quickly transferred to Labor and Delivery, and my magnesium sulfate was turned back up which made me feel sick again. my contractions did not space out, and they were becoming stronger as i was having to try to breathe through them. luckily, my doctor (Dr. Leonardi) came in on his night off to help me out. he held my hand through the contractions, and was part of the team that ultimately made the decision to perform a cesarean section that night.

a neonatologist was standing by and immediately took Winn and Reid to the stabilization room. the extent of Winn's injuries and deformities due to his condition prevented the neonatologist from being able to intubate Winn.

Winn was handed over to Reid who was now at my side in the operating room. we watched him take a few breaths on his own, and we watched him pass from this world into heaven.

it was actually one of the more peaceful moments of my life. it's what i asked for if things were to turn out that way. we were able to spend a few minutes with our little miracle before he left us for good. i believe that God granted us that comfort for a reason.

we were able to spend more time with Winn before they needed to take him. by this time, not only was my mom with us and able to hold her grandson, but Reid's sister, Kara and her husband Jeremy were also with us at the hospital.

of course, i wish that everyone special in my life who loved Winn were able to be there and to hold him, but i also truly believe that this was meant to transpire exactly as it did. it was peaceful and dignified. our doctors were there to offer their condolences and help support us during such a difficult time.

i am still in shock that this is what my life has become. i've already said hello and goodbye to two of my baby boys. i still don't have a child at home. i'm not sure where that puts me in the motherhood spectrum, but i can say that Reid and i did everything that we could possibly do for Winn to try to give him the best possible outcome. that is something that i can feel comfort in. that alone will help me sleep at night for a while.