after

Reid has been making this joke ever since i was admitted to St. Francis for pre-term labor that our life was like Groundhog Day. too many things happened this time around with Winn that were eerily similar to our experience with Raef. never mind the fact that Winn had Prune Belly just like his big brother, something we thought could never happen to one of our children again.

to start, i was admitted to the hospital on the Friday of my 26th week of pregnancy. i kept making it a point to tell Reid that he didn't have to worry about going to DC because i wasn't going into labor in my 26th week. i was wrong. the same nurses were even taking care of me the day i was admitted that took care of me when i was admitted with Raef. it was almost comforting, even though i wasn't feeling my best because of the drugs that they were giving me.

this time, it was Reid that got to hold our baby while he took his last breaths and passed away. i can still see us in the operating room while it was all happening.

the day i got home from the hospital, i began to have trouble breathing. around 9:30 pm, i decided that it was worth a trip to the emergency room so Reid helped me drag my swollen legs to the ER to find out that i had pneumonia. how does one get discharged from the hospital after surgery with pneumonia? i was given a super dose of antibiotics and sent on my way. looking back, at that time i felt like i would never feel better. emotionally or physically. our friends came over to keep us company and i could barely breathe or keep my eyes open, let alone enjoy any one's company.

by Saturday, i felt well enough to be able to appreciate and fully experience Winn's memorial service. Dean and Andrea did a phenomenal job honoring Winn with the service they put together and the band played so beautifully. it was perfect.

now that our parents have all gone home, and things have quieted down, i feel like it's time to consider returning to my previous life. i'm trying to figure out how/when to go back to work and what that means for me. Reid has already gone back part time and it kills me every time he leaves. it's amazing how attached you can get to someone when you face personal tragedy together. i do expect to find our new normal at some point, but it's scary to think of what that might be, and i'm pretty sure i'm not only grieving the loss of my child, but the loss of everything that goes with that, the loss of what could have been.