i've been back to work for a few days, and am already not sure that i was totally prepared to return. it's not the work, just the pressure of performing while i'm not feeling like myself. i've also had to tell several people that Raef is no longer here and that's never comfortable. i end up comforting the person on the other end of the conversation which isn't what i need right now.

nothing feels the same as it did before i had Raef, let alone before i knew we were going to be parents. i know that i should expect them to feel different because i am a mother, but it's so difficult because i don't have Raef here with me.

i see pictures of him, and almost can't believe that we had three long weeks with him. i only say long because those three weeks were some of the most stressful, yet wonderful weeks of my life so far. every day was difficult; not knowing whether it was going to be a good day or a really bad one. that anticipation was enough to make me feel on edge at all times. there are days that i wish i could just drive to Peoria instead of go to work, or be at home all day. even though those days were extremely difficult, i'd give anything to be back in the NICU hearing those beeps and alarms, and crying babies. 

while i'm glad we bought a home, it's bittersweet to return to it every day after work. we have a room meant for our baby that's filled with things that we don't have the heart to unpack.

right now, it's harder to be. it's harder to be a wife than it was before. it's harder to be an employee. it's just harder to feel any sort of normal. i honestly don't even have the patience for the cat that i used to.

i feel this heaviness in my heart, like someone is standing on my chest almost all the time. nothing seems to really take it away. i just want my son. i don't know what i'm supposed to do without him. why was he given to me and then taken away so quickly? what purpose does that serve? did God really need another angel in Heaven? i'm not sure that the thought of that comforts me at all.

people say that God only gives us what we can handle. i'm having a hard time with that concept. i believe in God, and trust in Him but i'm not sure that i can believe that he's decided to pile a whole bunch of crappy circumstances on me right now because i can "handle it." i think that the only way i can come to a conclusion about the why in this situation is through prayer, through contemplation, through faith. and right now, through sleep. i'm truly exhausted.

today marked my actual return to work. i was lucky to have the workday broken up by a wonderful lunch with Becky Huizer. we took an extra long time, and it didn't hurt that she'd locked Mandy out of the house, so we got to swing by Becky's house to let her in. although it's probably the second time i've seen Mandy in my life, i feel like i already know her because her mother is so good at talking her up.

i discovered today during my time in the office that things weren't quite as organized as i thought while i was gone. it's okay. it just means that i have to really concentrate on it tomorrow which won't be a bad thing. i'm alright with having my mind in another place right now.

Reid had an interview today, and it sounded like it went a little better than some of the other ones he's had. hopefully that's a good sign. it'd be such a load off of my shoulders to know that he'll be employed in the fall. we desperately need a new couch, and a second income definitely won't hurt our chances of obtaining a nice, comfortable sofa. ah.

working means having to go to bed at a decent time which i haven't done in almost two months now because we were driving home from Peoria after seeing Raef all day. it seems like yesterday that we had to say goodbye to him. if i close my eyes, i can feel myself sitting in a chair at his bedside. i can feel the breath leave me as i hear the beeps and alarms in the NICU. it's just so hard to believe that it's over.

getting back to normal life doesn't really seem possible. our definition of normal has changed, but we don't know exactly what's different about it yet.

back to it

i'm going to head in to work this afternoon, if only to say hello to my coworkers whom miss talking to, and to assess the damage. i think i need to know what i'm up against on Thursday when i return to work full time. the last time i saw my desk, it was surprisingly clean but BJ's desk was the opposite. mostly because he's been doing all of my work for the last month, i'msure. although it seems that they can manage without me there, i'm eager to get back to it.

i'm not sure if it's too early to go back to work. people have been asking me lately, and i don't have the answer. i do know that to fully grieve, you need more than two weeks. i'll need years, i'm sure. 

i've been able to connect with Reid's cousin Aimee, someone who's been in my shoes, and it's been comforting to hear that the feelings i have are normal. i don't believe for one second that it's a good thing that there are many women out there in my position, or who've gone through similar situations, but i thank God that i'm able to connect with at least one of them. in time, i'll find a support group locally and begin to sort through my feelings.

i thought i'd get a lot of unpacking and organizing done around the house this week while i was off of work, but i ended up doing a little shopping instead. thing

s are coming together around the house slowly but surely (with Reid's help, of course).

i'm really looking forward to this weekend. i want some time with Reid all to myself. i want to continue to make our home feel more like our own. i want to go back to church and praise our Lord with some of the people who have been so fervently praying for us all this time.

reid has an interview today, and another on Thursday. i hope he can find some sense of peace during the day because going back to school this week has been incredibly difficult for him emotionally. adding interviews to that makes for an incredibly stressful week. have i ever said that my husband is amazing? he is. to the max.

Signe is also pretty rad.

yesterday was probably the most difficult day we've had since Raef's passing. it was time to say goodbye to my parents and to Tina. i woke up this morning to a snoring husband and an otherwise empty house. nobody had made the coffee yet, and the place was kind of a mess due to lack of a certain sister.

Toni, Gary, Chad, Julie and Lily leave today. it was so great to have them all here, i hate to see them all leave. we had some really great time together this week.

Lily and Kris being awesome

Leah and Judah came to visit!

the service for Raef on Thursday was absolutely beautiful and more than we could have every asked for. so many people came to show their support and we were able to see with our own eyes how much Raef was loved, and how many people truly care about our family. we've known it in our hearts for a long time, but to see it just kind of brings it all together.

Dean and Andrea Kladder, our dear friends and pastors presided over the service. with their help, we were able to choose scripture passages that conveyed our feelings about the last several weeks of our lives. they gave a homily that had most everyone in the sanctuary in tears including themselves and they were able to do so with the utmost grace.

Dave and Becca Bruner were there to provide some musical assistance. they sang a song that Becca sang to Raef the day he passed away. it was absolutely beautiful. most people commented that they should probably record the song together. judging from the versions of the song available online, theirs is by far he best. Bruners, make of that what you will.

Dave and Becca preparing for the service
(they really did get this together at a moment's notice. and they're just generally awesome.)

there was a lot of this going on.

and, apparently this was going on as well...
each of my coworkers came to show their support. they also had to put up with me during the last month of my pregnancy when i was just generally miserable. they're pretty great.

the best friends anyone could ask for and their parents whom we love dearly.

Tina happens to be the brains behind this operation. without her, we would not have photos of this day. unfortunately, she's not in any of the pictures but i assure you, she's amazing, beautiful, and i couldn't imagine my life without her.

i want to thank everyone who's shown us their support. whether it was sending us a note, making a small donation, coming to the service, sending us dinner, adding us to the prayer list at your church, adding us to your personal prayers, reading this blog, or even just giving us a passing thought, we love you. our lives are forever changed by your existence. to those directly involved in our care the last several weeks, (you know who you are) we don't have the words to adequately express our gratitude to you. thank you.

distractions!

the last few days have been filled with family and friends. we've been blessed to have my sister, Tina come stay with us. Reid's brother, Chad along with his wife Julie and their precious daughter, Lily are also here from Colorado. Reid's parents flew back to Illinois on Sunday night, the earliest flight they could get out of Phoenix. Luckily, Becky and Mary B. drove down to St. Louis to pick them up and bring them home around 12:30 AM on Monday morning.

we've been overwhelmed with the amount of support we've received over the last couple of months. believe me when i say that the things that seem small to others are huge to us. from my boss giving me the time i needed when i was in pain right before i had Raef, to the last glass of wine that Wendy poured for me tonight at her home are most helpful to us. we are truly blessed.

tonight, Wendy held a dinner at her home and invited anyone and everyone to come join us in a small celebration of Raef's life, and the impact that he's had on countless people around us (near and far).

having my parents (both sets) in town along with Tina has helped me immensely. it makes my house feel more like a home to have my family in it with me. Kris and Jon have been here to sit and stare at the floor with us when we have nothing to say. for that, we are forever grateful and know that we have some pretty amazing friends.

it means so much to me that people who never got to meet Raef in person loved him. that he touched so many lives makes me rejoice in his very short time with us on earth.

i'm sure that right now, i'm sort of numb to the emotions related to grieving the loss of my first child. or maybe this is the grieving process. i'm either numb or i'm in denial. i'm distracted. when everyone has to leave us to return to their normal lives, we'll probably break down and need someone to pick us up again. i know that we won't be alone, but i fear the days that lie ahead.

Raef's service is tomorrow. it'll be led by our dear friends, Dean & Andrea. i know that it will be beautiful and it'll help us all to rejoice in our Lord; to remember that He has not forsaken us, that He is still with us.

Raef's obituary was in the paper today:

Raef Garrett Young

BLOOMINGTON - Raef Garrett Young, 23 days, Bloomington, died at 9:06 a.m. Sunday (March 1, 2009) at OSF Saint Francis Medical Center, Peoria.

His memorial service will be at 4 p.m. Thursday at Second Presbyterian Church, Bloomington, with the Revs. Andrea and Dean Kladder officiating. Visitation will be from 2 to 4 p.m. Thursday at the church.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the family or to Second Presbyterian Church.

Calvert & Metzler Memorial Home, Bloomington, is in charge of arrangements.

He was born Feb. 6, 2009, in Peoria, son of Reid Alan and Kara Beth Verley Young.

He is survived by his parents, Reid and Kara Young, Bloomington; paternal grandparents, Gary and Toni Young, Bloomington; maternal grandparents, Bill and Carol Verley, Lindenhurst; and Susan Verley and Gary Karrow, Lake Zurich; paternal great-grandmother, Winnie Woodmansee, Bismarck, S.D.; maternal great-grandparents, Irene Verley, Arlington Heights; Jerry and Betty DeBruyne, Hainesville; and Marion and Marion Campbell of Indiana; and many aunts, uncles and cousins.

Raef's parents thank the doctors, nurses and staff in the NICU at OSF Saint Francis for their expert medical care and bountiful compassion. Also, they thank family and friends near and far for continued prayers, love and support.

Though Raef's time with his family was short, the love he brought into this world will be known by every life he touched.

Raef will never suffer in the arms of his Lord and Savior.

we had to say goodbye to Raef this morning. we lost him at about 8:30 this morning to some sort of bacterial infection that overtook his tiny immune system very suddenly. this has all happened so quickly that i'm sure i'm not fully processing the situation. i know that my son is now with our Heavenly Father, but i don't think i comprehend that we can't see him tomorrow in the NICU.

we got a call at 7:00 this morning from Raef's neonatologist saying that around 5:00 AM, he suddenly didn't look like himself. he'd lost some of his color, was not as alert, and seemed to be in distress. she told us to come to the hospital. luckily, my very good friends Laura and Joe were staying with us, and they quickly got up and started driving us to Peoria. on the way to the hospital, we got two more calls. one from a nurse asking how quickly we could get there, and another from our doctor telling us that they were performing CPR on Raef, and that we needed to be there as soon as possible.

when we got to the hospital, Reid and i ran to the NICU, our doctor was walking in at the same time, crying, bringing us to the bedside. she was right. Raef didn't look like himself. he didn't look like the colorful, alert boy i left last night. they took him off of the ventilator, and put him in my arms where he took his last couple of breaths before leaving us. we both got to hold him for quite some time.

family and friends began arriving not long after he passed. we were able to take him into a room where we could be alone with him, away from the chaos of the NICU's beeps and alarms. we gave everyone a chance (or two) to hold him, to kiss him, to spend some time with him.

we took our own time after all of this to be with our son. we sat with him, prayed, cried, and told him how much we loved him. we told him how much he was loved by everyone in the NICU. we told him how many lives he's touched already and how he's changed our lives forever. we know that he's in God's hands now. 

Reid and i walked him back to his isolette, and laid him down to rest. his nurse put his footprints on his birth certificate for us, and gave us a memory box, and his belongings from the NICU.

we've been home now for a while, and everyone has left for the night. we're anxiously awaiting a call from Reid's parents who are coming from St. Louis so that we can see them. we don't know what to do next, we're not sure how we're feeling or how to go about our lives just yet, and we're very tired.

we thank everyone for their prayers of support, healing, and love for our precious son. we love you, and don't know where we'd be without you.