nothing feels the same as it did before i had Raef, let alone before i knew we were going to be parents. i know that i should expect them to feel different because i am a mother, but it's so difficult because i don't have Raef here with me.
i see pictures of him, and almost can't believe that we had three long weeks with him. i only say long because those three weeks were some of the most stressful, yet wonderful weeks of my life so far. every day was difficult; not knowing whether it was going to be a good day or a really bad one. that anticipation was enough to make me feel on edge at all times. there are days that i wish i could just drive to Peoria instead of go to work, or be at home all day. even though those days were extremely difficult, i'd give anything to be back in the NICU hearing those beeps and alarms, and crying babies.
while i'm glad we bought a home, it's bittersweet to return to it every day after work. we have a room meant for our baby that's filled with things that we don't have the heart to unpack.
right now, it's harder to be. it's harder to be a wife than it was before. it's harder to be an employee. it's just harder to feel any sort of normal. i honestly don't even have the patience for the cat that i used to.
i feel this heaviness in my heart, like someone is standing on my chest almost all the time. nothing seems to really take it away. i just want my son. i don't know what i'm supposed to do without him. why was he given to me and then taken away so quickly? what purpose does that serve? did God really need another angel in Heaven? i'm not sure that the thought of that comforts me at all.
people say that God only gives us what we can handle. i'm having a hard time with that concept. i believe in God, and trust in Him but i'm not sure that i can believe that he's decided to pile a whole bunch of crappy circumstances on me right now because i can "handle it." i think that the only way i can come to a conclusion about the why in this situation is through prayer, through contemplation, through faith. and right now, through sleep. i'm truly exhausted.
Kara,
ReplyDeleteI know I do not know you particularly well, nor can I truly understand the tragedy of losing a child. I can, however, relate to what you're going through. A few years back, I lost my job, ended a two year relationship and lost one of my best friends very unexpectedly within the span of a few weeks. I constantly felt like someone was pressing on my chest, that i was suffocating and I cried and cried every day for months. It was horrible and I felt like it would never end, that i would never feel better. I'll be honest, I still get upset when I think about it. But it does get better. It took several months before I really came to terms with it all and probably a whole year before I really could say I felt better or like myself again. Hang in there and lean on the people who care about you. It'll be an uphill battle but you'll make through even if it seems like there's more darkness than light right now.
I hope you find the hope and strength you need in the coming months and know that people all over are thinking about you and cheering you on even when you feel alone.
-Christina
I love you, Kara...
ReplyDeleteKara,
ReplyDeleteDon't put too much pressure on yourself. You can't possibley handle everything. You have been through something so tramatic. You are fine one minute and in tears the next. People will understand that you are in mourning. Nothing prepares you for the loss of a child. Just take one day at a time..if that's too hard try one hour or minute. A friend of mine told me that when she lost her baby she had such a hard time getting through each day. So one day she decided to put a penny in a jar for everyday she made it through. After a month she looked at the jar and couldn't believe how many penny's were in there and where she was after a month. Not healed but little more able to get through the day easier. You will never get over losing Raef. You figure out how to live everyday with a little less heartache. Embrace the love you have for Raef and Reid. Let the love and bond you have with your son's father strengthen your relationship. Love to you both!
~Aimee~
We could not help but be touched by something you said in your last 2 paragraphs about whether God really needed another angel in Heaven. We’ve hear similar comments all too often when a tragedy like this happens. While we’re not sure if the attached link provides the desired comfort; still we are convinced that learning the Truth from God’s Word, does clear our minds about answers as opposed to lingering eternally with unanswered questions.
ReplyDeletehttp://biblestudycourse.web.officelive.com/default.aspx You will see a tab labeled “Another Flower”.