goodnight sweet child

we just got done visiting our precious little boy. we're staying tonight at a place called the Family House. i'm not sure i'm cool with it. it just doesn't feel right. we got there to check in, and i couldn't stop crying. i know that it's mostly because i now know that i can't sleep in the same building as our son, and that just kills me. i was not prepared for tonight. i wasn't prepared for how heart wrenching it would be to leave him here, even if we were only two blocks away. part of me wants to go home tonight. to sleep in my own bed. another part of me feels that it would be stupid to go all the way home just because it would make me feel better. what about our son? so many feelings to wade through, and not enough time to prepare. 

reid is amazing. i'm so glad to know that i'll never have to feel like i'm going through this alone because it is truly our journey. the situation with Raef's birth defect has brought us closer than ever, and i'm definitely to the point where i don't want reid to leave my sight. i get weepy when he goes to the bathroom which is pathetic, i know.

we're sitting in the family waiting room at the hospital right now. i'm on our computer and reid is using the NICU's computer. i don't want to leave tonight, i don't want to leave the hospital and i feel like such a fool because i can't stop crying. i've already balled my eyes out on the phone tonight to my mom twice. i don't like putting that sort of emotional baggage on other people.

when we were sitting with Raef this evening, our nurse, Jessie, told us that his blood oxygen was doing so well that they were able to keep turning it down on the machine today. what a great sign. i know he's in good hands here. he is also starting to relax a little in his bed. he's started curling his arms up, and clenching his fists. those are good signs. he looks like he's trying to suck his thumb, but there are tubes in the way preventing that from happening. 

i want to be able to feel like i can go to the Family House if just for tonight to get rest. i know that i need to take care of myself too, as i'm still recovering from surgery. we have two twin beds in our room. it's kind of smelly, and it is in the basement of a really really old house. i'm not sure i'll feel comfortable staying more than one night, but i think it's just too late tonight to do anything else.

i ask God tonight for some peace so that Reid and i can rest. i ask that he wrap his loving arms around our baby, and provide the kind of care that only He can provide.