this morning's rounds were a little bit of a different experience for us. we were able to sit down in a conference room with Raef's neonatologist and team of doctors and nurses to discuss his condition that day and go over the treatment plan. it was nice to not be sitting next to the isolette, where other people can hear what's being said, and where all i want to do is stare at my baby (and not pay attention to the doctor).

Raef's condition is still fairly stable, he's experienced a couple of setbacks due to the surgery, but the doctor and surgeon prepared us for that before we ever signed the consent form to have the procedure done. overnight, Raef's blood pressure was pretty low. his heart rate had gone up into the 180s, which could signify strain on the heart, or a high pain level for the baby. he also put out some urine during the night, but stopped putting it out in the morning. by the time we'd left today he still hadn't produced urine, and the doctor was going to give him some more diuretics to try to take care of that.

we learned during rounds today that the plan of care is essentially to get him back to his baseline (where he was before his surgery), assess his kidneys, and figure out what can be done about his lower GI. in that order. only then will they start to address the prune belly. the doctor said that the muscle implantation techniques being talked about on the internet are still fairly experimental, and that his big belly shouldn't hinder our being able to take him home if everything else is stable. that made me feel good. i want them to be talking about the day i'll finally get to take my precious son home from the hospital. i don't want his primary residence to be the NICU for a moment longer than it needs to be.

i was having a lot of anxiety at the hospital today. i felt like i couldn't pull myself together. there were a ton of people in the family waiting room and they were being loud, spewing profanity, and taking up a lot of room. everything about the hospital today felt creepy, or dirty, or just not normal to me.

i'm completely exhausted. emotionally, physically, and spiritually. we came home early today and i already feel bad for leaving Raef so early. i just want him to know how much i love him all of the time, but i also know that i'm no good to him if i'm out of sorts and upset. i mostly felt bad because Toni and Gary flew all the way from Phoenix to see him, and they can't go into the NICU without either Reid or myself. 

i'm going to get some rest so that i can be my best tomorrow for my little boy, and for Reid.