there are days in the NICU that lift you up and make you feel like everything is going to be okay, and there are days that throw you into the darkest depths of your own self doubt. i guess there are also days like today. days with no progress and no setbacks.

Wendy brought me over here again today, and thank God. it's nice to have someone with you for a while during the day. even if she's sitting in the waiting room, it's nice to know that someone is here with you.

i was sitting at Raef's bedside with Wendy, just staring at him peacefully sleeping when his doctor came up behind me to chat about his condition. what he said startled me, making me think that he was ready to give up on Raef. i couldn't even formulate a question to ask him for clarification. i was frozen, nodding my head as if i understood everything he was saying. the conversation ended, and he walked away. i found myself crying, wondering what just happened. was he giving up on my son? what is happening here?

Raef's nurses are great today. they could tell that something was wrong, and asked me if i had any questions. they called the doctor back to the bedside so that i could clarify what he had said to me earlier. i misunderstood him initially. he was trying to tell me that they're getting ready to speak to surgeons about the next steps with Raef. our previous conversation was his attempt to tell me that they've tried just about every medication possible to get his GI to work, and now we need to think about assessing it from a surgical standpoint.

i can deal with that. i can't deal with the thought of my son not surviving. i can't deal with the possibility that they may tell us someday that they want to take him off of the ventilator before he's ready. i need to take it one day at a time. i get so scared when i start thinking of even the short term.

i'm waiting for Reid to get here now, i need him to be here with me, and i know that he needs to see Raef just as much as Raef needs him. i'm so happy with my little family. we're doing what we can, we're hanging in there together, and we're not doing it alone. hallelujah.