we've started reading to Raef. we figure that he'd better get used to having books around.

we were able to see his open eyes all day yesterday!

remember that roller coaster that is the NICU? we took another ride this week.

Sunday night was difficult. Raef had stopped eliminating urine again, and his belly was starting to fill with fluid again as well. we went home that night and practically cried ourselves to sleep. Monday was a little better, as he had started eliminating urine, most of his other vitals seemed good, and they had taken the phototherapy lights off of him because his bilirubin level went down enough to warrant some time without his bili-lights and mask.

this morning, we made it in time for bedside rounds and were able to talk to Raef's doctor. he expressed concern about Raef's PDA (Patent Ductus Arteriosus). all babies have an open ductus arteriosus while in the womb, and it closes shortly after birth diverting blood to the lungs to allow the lungs to pick up oxygen, go back to the heart, and then out to the rest of the body. Raef's hasn't closed yet, and is actually quite large and open.  he also has a small hole in one of the chambers of his heart, but the doctors suspect that as Raef grows, and his heart grows, the hole will close on its own.

tomorrow morning, a pediatric cardiac surgeon is going to perform a surgery to close Raef's ductus arteriosus. it's a quite common surgery with little to no complications, and a next to zero mortality rate. it was weird and difficult to sign the consent form today, realizing that it's probably one of many consent forms we'll have to sign for him.

i'm confident in his surgeon. performing this procedure will help his tiny lungs develop more, improve his circulation, and help his heart. it may even help his kidneys and lower GI tract. 

Wendy came to visit today, and so did Andrea and Becca. Andrea brought a beautiful prayer quilt from our church family. it's so beautiful that i cried when she opened it up. all the tiny knots tied in it each represent a prayer from a member of our church family. Raef is so loved. we are so loved. Becca provided a beautiful prayer. we are so thankful for our friends.

i've had a rough couple of days, dealing with some NICU mom guilt. i'm starting to comprehend some of the feelings i've been having since i gave birth to Raef. i know now that i feel sort of robbed of the last 3 months of my pregnancy. i feel like a failure for not being able to carry my son to full term to let his little body develop more. i feel bad that i can't provide the majority of the care that Raef needs. i feel like i'm abandoning him when i go home at night. i'm emotionally exhausted.

i pray tonight for our doctor to get rest tonight! i pray that Raef can rest, and that he continues to be the little fighter that we know he is. i pray for all of the people that are praying for the three of us.